The Hueco Mundo Gazette
by Potterwatcher1997
Summary: The latest edition of the Hueco Mundo Gazette, the official magazine of Hueco Mundo! Gin Ichimaru, Lead Journalist. Sun-Sun, Tesla, Apache, Mila-Rose, and Charlotte Cuulhourne, Supporting Journalists. Join your favorite Arrancar for the news, HM style!
1. Volume 7, Issue 1, Calling all Numeros!

My first ever fanfic! I plan to update every other day or so. Please leave feedback!

**Hueco Mundo Gazette, May 20****th**

**Calling All Numeros!**

Aizen-Sama has requested that EVERY Espada must select one new Fraccion to start out the year well! This means we need YOU to send in your resume to an Espada! We have ten wonderful Espada in Hueco Mundo, and if you work hard, you may even be considered for a position as temporary or permanent Espada when such a position is open! In this issue, hear directly from the Espada, Aizen-Sama, and even some of the Espada's other Fraccion! All Numeros must submit a resume to at least one Espada, and each Espada will choose up to two Fraccion! Below, you can find the list of duties of a Fraccion.

**Duties**

Becoming a Fraccion is a great way to train and build your skills up to the level of an Espada. If you train hard enough, you may even get to become an Espada some day! Fraccion's man jobs are to do what their Espadas instruct them to do. However, Fraccion are also under the reign of Aizen-Sama and his two advisers, Tosen and Gin. Every week, a Fraccion's Boxing Class is offered by Yammy, along with many other Fraccion learning sessions. A full schedule can be seen at the end of this issue.

**A Word from Aizen**

Hello, Numeros of Hueco Mundo, it is I, your master, the awesome godling Sosuke Aizen! Because I just LOVE making new rules that tick my Espada off, I have decided to issue a decree that ALL Espada must select at least one new Fraccion to start of the new year, which I have deemed is on May 29th, since that awesome day is my birthday! And that means that every single Numeros must submit a resume to an Espada! MUAHAHAHA! I just LOVE being evil! Cheers!

-Sosuke Aizen (I am awesome)

**A Word from the Advisors**

Gin—You heard Captain Aizen, it's time to submit a resume! Don't worry, you'll make a good fraccion.

Tosen (Please forgive spelling mistakes. He is blind, you know?)—Ypu will makr a grewat fracccion!1 Don"ty woerry, it:s not scaryt at sll. You'll haver a greet timew.

**The Espada**

The Espada and their fraccion will now tell you about themselves, and what they require in a fraccion!

**Espada #1, Coyote Starrk**

Message to you: Hello there. I'll be glad to accept any new fraccion who can keep me some company.

Requirements: Have to be good at keeping company. Don't disturb me when I nap.

Message from companion (Lilynette): Starrk's a big lazy bum who does nothing but sleep. It's so boring here. I think I need company too. But it is still very fun to wake him up in annoying and crazy ways.

**Espada #2, Barragan Luisenbarn**

Message to you: I don't really need fraccion, but more followers to call me "Lord Barragan" will do.

Requirements: You must always address me as either "Lord Barragan" or "King of Hueco Mundo". I am king.

Message from fraccion (Ggio Vega): Lord Barragan is a very good master. He is powerful. He is the King of Hueco Mundo. Lord Barragan is king. All hail Lord Barragan.

**Espada #3, Tia Harribel**

Message to you: None, really.

Requirements: Someone who doesn't argue much

Message from fraccion (Apache): Harribel's a pretty good Espada. She's more like a sister to me than a master. Please, join. But be warned. If you do not like annoying people (named Mila-Rose) do not apply.

**Espada #4, Ulquiorra Cifer**

Message to you: I don't really want a fraccion, but if Aizen-Sama commands it, then so be it.

Requirements: Someone who does not talk much. Someone who is not trash.

Message from fraccion: The fourth Espada has no fraccion yet.

**Espada #5, Nnoitra Jiruga**

Message to you: Tesla's already enough to put up with, I don't want more.

Requirements: As long as you're not like Tesla, you'll do.

Message from fraccion (Tesla Lindocruz): Nniotra is a very good Espada. He is very respectable. I would give my life for him.

**Espada #6, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez**

Message to you: I'm awesome. I should be primera.

Requirements: If you behold and admire my awesomeness, and do not have spiky orange hair, you'd make a great fraccion.

Message from fraccion (Shawlong Kufang): We all get along here, except sometimes D-Roy can be a jerk.

**Espada #7, Zommari Leroux**

Message to you: I've always wanted a fraccion, but I'm very picky.

Requirements: Someone without black hair. Someone with green eyes. You must like pumpkins. You must show full respect to Aizen-sama and treat him as ruler. You must not eat pineapple. You must like pumpkins and hate pineapples. You must go out and rescue squirrels every Tuesday evening. That's about it.

Message from fraccion: The seventh Espada has no fraccion yet. I wonder why…

**Espada #8, Szayel Apporo Grantz**

Message to you: I've been looking for new test subjects, er, fraccion for a while lately. Welcome, all.

Requirements: You must be okay with being eaten alive by me. You must do everything in the name of SCIENCE! You must go out and purchase a new edition of "Us Weekly" every month for me.

Message from fraccion (Verona): Szayel ate my friend! Poor Lumina! He said he'll make me a new one, but I don't believe him!

**Espada #9, Aaroniero Aruruerrie**

Message to you: I am not Kaien.

Requirements: You must not call me, label me, or mistake me for Kaien Shiba.

Message from fraccion: The ninth Espada has no fraccion yet.

**Espada #10, Yammy Riyalgo**

Message to you: I am cool! (But not as cool as Ulquiorra)

Requirements: You must idolize both me and Ulquiorra.

Message from fraccion: The tenth Espada has no fraccion yet.

**Fraccion Weekly Activities**

**Fraccion Calligraphy—Sosuke Aizen, Tusedays**

**Boxing Class—Yammy Riyalgo, Saturdays**

**Creative Writing for Fraccion—Sun-Sun, Wednesdays**

**Year-Round Pumpkin Carving—Zommari Leroux, Thursdays**

**Mastering Resurreccion—Tia Harribel, Mondays**

**How to Fight and Radiate Awesomeness at the Same Time (Like Me)—Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, Fridays ****(Mandatory for Grimmjow's fraccion)**

**Resumes**

Resumes are due May 27th. In your resume, please include details about yourself, your Resurreccion, and why you wish to be under the Espada you are sending it to. Feel free to send your resume to as many Espada as you please! Results come out May 29th. Good luck, Numeros!

Written by Gin Ichimaru, Journalist, **The Hueco Mundo Gazette**

Author's Note

I thought it went pretty well, for my first time. What did you guys think? Please leave reviews, as well as any suggestions for future articles.

Next issue will be written by Mila-Rose, and will include a feature on the Espada's secret hobbies, and a special on the Espada's favorite books by Sun-Sun.

Feedback is very much appreciated!


	2. Volume 7, Issue 2, Espada's Hobbies!

**Hueco Mundo Gazette, May 21****st**

**Espada's Secret Hobbies!**

Our top reporters have gone behind the scenes to take a look at just what the Espada do when nobody's around! This issue contains a full interview with five of the ten Espada, a look at what they do when nobody's watching, and even a new selection on the Espada's favorite books!

**Note from the Author**

Dear Faithful Readers,

I am proud to announce that this selection is finally finished! It has taken me weeks to gather all of the details on the Espada's hobbies, and I can't wait to share them with you.

Enjoy!

Mila-Rose, Journalist, **The Hueco Mundo Gazette**

**May 20****th****, 12:00—Nobody is Around…**

...So what do they do?

**Starrk**—On our hidden cameras, I found Starrk napping, as usual. This proves that this guy really needs to get a life.

**Barragan**—At 12:00 yesterday, Barragan could be seen polishing his crown, drinking tea, and watching a documentary made by himself called, "I, the Awesome, All-Powerful, Kingful Lord of Hueco Mundo".

**Harribel**—My Espada, Tia Harribel, relaxed yesterday and watched one of her favorite American movies, Alien vs. Predator. After that, she went to Aizen-Sama and requested that we order some Aliens for protection.

**Ulquiorra**—Ulquiorra read a book. Seven times.

**Nniotra**—Yesterday, Nnoitra shouted at Tesla and threw darts at a picture of Tesla's face while Tesla mopped, dusted, and vacuumed Nnoitra's house.

**Grimmjow**—Grimmjow stood in front of the mirror and posed for two hours.

**Zommari**—The seventh Espada went out and rescued abandoned squirrels yesterday, then made a nice cozy cage for them out of pumpkins. After that, he rested and burned some pineapple.

**Szayel**—He re-read some of his favorite issues of "Us Weekly", "Vogue", and "People", then relaxed and watched his favorite movies, Twilight, The Notebook, Pride and Prejudice, and Titanic.

**Aaroniero**—Aaroniero polished his helmet.

**Yammy**—Yammy drew a picture of Ulquiorra and hung it up in his room, then ate meat. Lots of meat.

**Espada Interviews!**

**Zommari**

**Me—**So, Zommari, tell me why you go out and rescue squirrels every weekend?

**Zommari**—Squirrels are cute. They remind me of pumpkins.

**Me**—How so?

**Zommari**—They look like pumpkins.

**Me**—Hmmm, interesting. I'll just be going now…and you might want to get your sight tested.

**Zommari**—Okay. Why?

**Me**—Squirrels look absolutely nothing like pumpkins, Zommari.

**Zommari**—They does!

**Me**—Okay, okay, they does—I mean, do.

**Zommari**—Really? Good.

**Szayel**

**Szayel**—Hello, Mila-Rose.

**Me**—Hello, Szayel. Now, could you enlighten me on why you like Us Weekly so much?

**Szayel**—It has lots of juicy stories on it, heh heh.

**Me**—Okay…but you read the Hueco Mundo Gazette too, right?

**Szayel**—No. I read Vogue, Us Weekly, and People.

**Me**—And why do you like Twilight so much?

**Szayel**—Edward is dreamy.

**Me**—Okaaaay…..(backs away slowly)

**Ulquiorra**

**Me**—Hello.

**Ulquiorra**—Um, hello…

**Me**—So, what book were you reading?

**Ulquiorra**—Do you really want to know?

**Me**—Yes!

**Ulquiorra**—"Anthology of Modern and Well-Known German Poets."

**Me**—That's quite a title.

**Ulquiorra**—Indeed.

**Me**—So, what's it about?

**Ulquiorra**—Er…poetry. Hence the name.

**Me**—Oh okay. That sounds kinda boring.

**Ulquiorra**—It most certainly is not.

Me—I think it is.

**Ulquiorra**— Is not.

**Me**—Yes it is.

**Ulquiorra**—Cero Oscuras.

**Me**—OH SNAP!

**Starrk**

**Me**—So, Starrk, care to explain why you nap so much?

**Starrk**—I'm tired.

**Me**—Why?

**Starrk**—I don't know.

**Me**—There has to be a reason!

**Starrk**—What are you even interviewing me for?

**Me**—I'm interviewing you for the wonderful Hueco Mundo Gazette, the most popular magazine in Hueco Mundo! The Gazette offers five hit weekly selections, including—Man, he's asleep again. Lazy.

**Grimmjow**

**Grimmjow**—Can we just get this over with?

**Me**—I'm ready to start if you are.

**Grimmjow**—Not exactly…

**Me**—Oh well. So, Grimmjow, what do you do when you stand in front of the mirror?

**Grimmjow**—Admire my awesome muscles.

**Ulquiorra**—What muscles?

**Grimmjow**—YOU?

**Me—**Just ignore him. Ulquiorra, go away. No, no, no, not the Cero Oscuras again!

**Grimmjow**—Idiot fraccion. I could block that cero with my bare hands.

**Ulquiorra**—Oh really, Grimmjow?

**Grimmjow**—Come on, Cuatra! I'll take you down!

**Ulquiorra**—Resurreccion Segunda Etapa.

**Grimmjow**—Um…never…mind, then? Oh boy…

**Espada's Favorite Books**

Here is a list of all of the Espada's favorite books. Column by Sun-Sun, Journalist, **The Hueco Mundo Gazette**

Starrk**—**_**The Art of Dreamless Sleep **_by Sean Connery

Barragan—_**The Autobiography of the World's Most Sucessful King**_ by himself

Harribel—_**Alien vs. Predator—The Novel**_ by James Cameron

Ulquiorra—_**The Perfect Annotation of World War 2 in Germany **_by Bon Jovi

Nnoitra—_**The Spoon Book**_ by Axl Rose

Grimmjow—_**Reading is for Suckers **_by Angelina Jolie

Zommari—_**Pineapples—the Face of Evil**_ by Ludwig van Beethoven

Szayel—_**Breaking Dawn**_ by Stephanie Meyer

Aaroniero—_**Fudge is Good **_by Moe, Larry, and Curly

Yammy—"What the heck are books?"

Aizen-Sama—_**Mullets**_ by Billy Ray Cyrus

Gin—_**The World's Top 10 Villains **_by Usher

Tosen—_**Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince **_by J.K. Rowling (Wait—how can you read?)

This issue by Mila-Rose and Sun-Sun, Journalists, **The Hueco Mundo Gazette**

**EXTRA!**

Present this coupon to your Espada to receive a FREE burrito and a bottle of tequila!

Author's Note

All right, finally! This one took me a little longer than the first to complete, but I thought it went well. Not as good as the first in my opinion, though.

Okay, here's where I need your help! I don't have any ideas for what next time should be, so I want YOU to give me some suggestions! Also, tell me who you want to write the next issue.

Thanks for all of the great comments, guys!

~Potterwatcher


	3. Volume 7, Issue 3, Special Long Issue!

**The Hueco Mundo Gazette—May 30**

**SPECIAL! Ultra-long issue to commemorate 1 year of evil!**

**Juicy Gossip Time with Szayel!**

Greetings, readers! It is I, your favorite journalist, the beautiful glamorous superb sexy sexy Charlotte Cuulhourne! Here I am today with an issue focused completely on the wonderful octava Espada Szayel Aporro Grantz! Here we'll have some fashion tips, an exclusive interview, and even rumors and facts about the Espada! Enjoy, my dear lovely readers!

**Szayel's Style: Mastering the Look of Perfection**

The following are style tips coming directly from Szayel himself.

Shirts: Pink, pink, and pink. You can never have too much pink. That's why I wear this pink wig. That and the fact that I'm thinning. THINNING, not bald. Oops, did I really just tell you guys that? Heh heh. Heh heh. *Awkward*

Shorts: Plaid is for dorks. Trust me. Am I a dork? No. Hmm, let's see, anything that's not plaid or polyester. Polyester is SO hot. You should wear cotton. *

Jeans: NO. Just, no. No jeans. If you want to look glam and sexy like me, no jeans. Unless they're skinny jeans, that'll do.

Accessories: I came up with a new accessory called Espada Bands! They're like a rip-off of these stupid human bracelets that are in all sorts of weird shapes—but this time, they're in the shape of Espada tattoos and swords and neat-o stuff like that! Cool, huh?

Other Yes items: Bows, tiaras, glittery stuff, sequined flip-flops, lip gloss, sun dresses, anything else along those lines.

Other No-nos: Arrancar uniforms, caps, hats, t-shirts, jerseys, anything else along those lines.

**Rumor or Fact?**

Hello, there. Sexy sexy fabulous Charlotte Cuulhourne is here to present octava Espada Szayel Aporro Grantz with many popular rumors—and then Szayel will tell us whether they're true or not!

#1: Apache and Ggio Vega are siblings

Szayel: Uh, **RUMOR**. Duh.

#2: Aizen enjoys watching Billy Ray Cyrus's music videos and wishes to have a mullet like him some day

Szayel: **FACT**. It's scary, I know…

#3: Szayel Aporro Grantz is gay

Szayel: WHO PUT THAT ONE IN THERE?

#4: Nnoitra and Nel are dating

Szayel: **RUMOR**. They HATE each other.

#5: Grimmjow spends hours every day looking at himself in the mirror

Szayel: **FACT**. Stupid sexta Espada, he's so full of himself.

#6: Tosen can really see but is just pretending to be blind so he can be pitied by the Arrancar

Szayel: **RUMOR.** And a stupid one at that.

#7: Ulquiorra owns a death note

Szayel: What's a death note?

#8: Every Friday, Yammy, Ulquiorra, Zommari, and Grimmjow go out and play "Ultimate Cero"

Szayel: **FACT. **And Ulquiorra always wins.

#9: Zommari is Hephaestus

Szayel: **RUMOR. **This is not mythology class.

#10: Nnoitra originally had 2 fraccion but Tesla killed the other one so Nnoitra would like him best

Szayel: **RUMOR. **Where do you guys get this stuff…?

#11: Ulquiorra can read a book 512 pages long in thirty minutes

Szayel: That stupid bookworm…**FACT.**

#12: Lilynette is Starrk's wife

Szayel: …**RUMOR. **If you thought that was true, that's a little perverted. And I would know 'cuz I AM perverted!

_Thank you for joining us for __**"Rumor or Fact?" **__with Szayel Aporro Grantz!_

**Q&A With Szayel!**

Welcome, and thank you for joining us with Q&A Time with Szayel! Here, we'll answer actual questions sent in by YOU to Szayel!

_Sent by Ggio Vega_

Q: Why do you enjoy experimenting so much?

A: It's fun to chop people up.

_Sent by Apache_

Q: Are you gay?

A: …Moving on.

_Sent by Nnoitra_

Q: How were you defeated by that crazy scientist?

A: Don't talk about that! He only won because I let him.

_Sent by Tesla_

Q: Why did you let him?

A: …'CUZ I FELT LIKE IT, OKAY? Can we just drop the subject?

_Sent by Grimmjow:_

Q: Ha ha, Noob.

A: Pervert

_Sent by Grimmjow:_

Q: Retard

A: Loser

_Sent by Grimmjow:_

Q: Nerd

A: Wannabe Abercrombie & Fitch model

_Sent by Grimmjow:_

Q: ONYD!

A: OYID!

_Sent by Grimmjow:_

Q: GAY!

A: I AM NOT! A guy can go to HSPVA without being gay!

_Sent by Grimmjow:_

Q: HSPVA—Where all the guys are gay. You'll never find a boyfriend at HSPVA.

A: *Sigh* Let's just quit with the questions.

_This ends our "Juicy Gossip time with Szayel!" segment. Thank you for reading, my pretties._

_-Sexy sexy beautiful glamorous awesome neat-o sexy Charlotte Cuulhourne 3_

**How to be a good Arrancar (And not get executed)**

A segment on Aizen's personal advice to all Arrancar!

Arrancar Rules

Rule #1: Worship Aizen and no one but Aizen.

Rule #2: Respect the advisors

Rule #3: Respect Billy Ray Cyrus

Rule #4: Practice Mulletisim

Rule #5: Own a pocket knife for self defense against flying monkeys

Rule #6: Obey my demands

How to be successful

Be like me.

How to be awesome

That is impossible for anyone but me.

What is a mullet?

*Hem Hem* The mullet is a popular eighties and nineties hairstyle that goes above and beyond the standards of all other hairstyles. The mullet can be described and remembered through one simple phrase—"Business in the front, party in the back." Mullets are supreme and can be worn by only the most magnificent beings, such as Billy Ray and myself.

How do I stay alive?

Obey the Arrancar rules.

How do I know if I'm a good Arrancar of not?

Consult the Mullet of Truth located in my throne room.

A word of advice

Dear Arrancar peasants,

I am cooler than you.

Sincerely,

~Aizen

Written by Tesla Lindocruz, Journalist, **The Hueco Mundo Gazette**

**Announcement! New Espada social networking site!**

Attention all loyal Arrancar! Lord Aizen has developed a new social network for us to get on and chat called www.I-Destroy-Your-Face(Book).com! Get on soon so you can chat, update your status, and check out our site that we ripped off from some stupid human thing called "Facebook"! How retarded sounding is that? Go online soon!

**Congrats, Arrancar! (Actual Newsletter from Aizen!)**

Well, can anyone guess what today is? Today celebrates exactly one year of evil for us Hueco Mundo citizens! And that means that everyone will receive a free T-shirt, burrito, and autographed picture of me! PLUS, we are even expanding the content of **The Hueco Mundo Gazette** just for you! Ah, now for my speech.

Speech

First of all, I would like to thank you all for helping us accomplish one year of evil (Standing for **E**pic **V**ending machines **I**s **L**ikeable!) but especially, I would like to thank the Espada, Gin and Tosen, and Billy Ray for giving me inspiration. Oh, screw the rest; I'd like to just thank Billy Ray. I can't possibly imagine how such an awesome mullet (and guy) can have such a repulsive daughter. Marley, or whatever her name is, sucks, but Billy Ray is epic. There we go, I think I finished my speech. Off you go now. Ta-ta.

~Aizen

**Dear Readers,**

**On behalf of everyone at the Hueco Mundo Gazette, we would like to thank you for reading this extra-long issue of the wonderful magazine, The Hueco Mundo Gazette! We would also like to introduce our newest journalist, Lilynette Gingerback! Welcome, Lilynette!**

**-HMG Staff**

Author's Note

First off, I hope I didn't offend anyone with the whole "Szayel is gay" thing. If I did, I apoligize in advance.

Also, I cheated you :) Some of you might have already caught this, but I said that this was going to be a special extra-long chapter, but this is really the shortest chapter out of the three, it's just got more segments. Funny note: after doing this issue, I decided to really make an "I destroy your face (book)" website on freewebs just for kicks, but I'm still contemplating whether or not to do it.

Next time: A preview of Barragan's biography, a discussion about pairings with Grimmjow and Harribel (seperately), and a getting-to-know-you segment about a new Arrancar. Thanks so much for all of the great ideas, you guys! I really appreciate it. Suggestions are still welcome, there's no telling when i'll run out of ideas.

*Oh, and fifty bucks to anyone who can tell me what awesome TV show that's from. (the sentence marked with an asterisk)

-Potterwatcher

P.S. I've made a "copy and paste" thing for the Hueco Mundo Gazette on my profile. Please copy and paste if you care to :D


	4. Volume 7, Issue 4, Barragan's Biography!

**The Hueco Mundo Gazette—May 31**

**Exclusive Excerpt from Barragan's Autobiography!**

Segunda Espada Barragan Luisenbarn's autobiography, _**The Autobiography of the World's Most Sucessful King, **_has sold exactly eight of the four million copies in print. Here today is Sun-Sun, coming to present you with an excerpt of the autobiography, so that hopefully three million nine hundred and ninety-two thousand collections of paper will not go to waste. We now present an excerpt of Chapter Two—"My Rise to King—Barragan's Past".

Excerpt

_My rise to King was not easy. We had just managed to shake the evil flying monkeys off. Darn, those monkeys were persistent. If it had not been for my side-kick, Bob Barr (Who later left me to try to become some sort of "President" of the "Untied States") those primates just might have overwhelmed me._

_After the monkeys, our journey got even tougher. The evil Wicked Witch of the Sparkly Slippers herself came after us, and not even Bob was able to stop her. The Witch took me captive and left Bob to die. I was taken and imprisoned, but I would NOT give up! I would not let my friendly Libertarian ally suffer! I broke out of the tower, slayed the evil Badger of Doom, and managed to find and save Bob right as he was on the brink of constipation._

_After that, we wandered aimlessly around the desert until my hollow instincts took over, and I tried to eat Bob. This is where we parted ways. That politician just couldn't get over the fact that I had tried to suck his soul out. Wimp._

_So there I was, left with no Gillians to pick on, no food, no chocolate, and no friendly politician to swap racist jokes with. This is where my rise to Kingmanship began._

-End of excerpt

To read more about Barragan's stunning past, his rises to royalty, and the perilous monkey-hybrids he was put up against, buy a copy for $50 at the Arrancar Book Co. today!

**NOTE: **Lord Barragan has asked us to personally thank his seven buyers for purchasing a copy of his autobiography—Ggio Vega, Charlotte Cuulhourne, Avirama Redder, Findor Carias, Choe Neng Poww, and that other fat guy (who were all forced to buy one, being his fraccion) and also the wonderful Kaname Tosen, who to this day loves to freak Barragan out by quoting bits of his book to him, which he can remarkably read. The other copy belongs to Barragan himself.

Article by Sun-Sun, Journalist, **The Hueco Mundo Gazette**

**Pairings—What the Espada Think**

One of the most popular subjects of the day is pairings, or who would end up with whom. Today, the mysterious Gin Ichimaru, head of the **HMG, **would like to present you with two exclusive interviews with the Espada discussing pairings.

**Discussion #1—Grimmjow **

Gin—Hello, Grimmjow. Are you ready to discuss the issue of pairings?

Grimmjow—Oh, ready as I'll ever be…

Gin—So, Grimmjow, what do you think of pairings?

Grimmjow—Eh, they're all right. I mean, I like some pairings, but I mainly like Bleach for the fighting.

Gin—So which pairings do you like?

Grimmjow—Any pairings involving me, of course—

Gin—Even yaoi?

Grimmjow—NO, not any yaoi.

Gin—Give me some examples of pairings you like.

Grimmjow—Well, Grimmjow-Nel is okay, even though she was an Espada before my time. Grimmjow-any girl is fine with me, as I said before.

Gin—What about Grimmjow-Hillary Clinton?

Grimmjow—HILLARY CLINTON? You mean that old human lady who's married to Bill Clinton? No way!

Gin—Well, you said "Any girl is fine"

Grimmjow—Yeah, I said any GIRL, not any old lady!

Gin—I'm sure Hillary wouldn't like hearing that.

Grimmjow—Oh, screw Hillary! I'm outta here!

Gin—TTFN, Grimmjow!

**Discussion #2—Harribel**

Gin—Hi, Harribel. How's it going?

Harribel—Fine.

Gin—What's your opinion of pairings?

Harribel—I think they're fine to hope for, as long as you understand that they're not going to happen.

Gin—Oh really? You think they aren't going to happen?

Harribel—No, not really.

Gin—So, are you in favor of any pairings?

Harribel—No.

Gin—Well, that's boring.

Harribel—Later, Gin.

Gin—Hey, don't go! We aren't finished!

**Author's note**

And so, I, Gin Ichimaru, have concluded that Espada are NOT in favor of pairings, and like fighting instead. I have also concluded that the Espada will NOT be voting for Hillary Clinton in the next Presidential Election.

**Welcome to Our New Numeros!**

Aizen-sama has created his second Arrancar with the hogyoku, and we'd like for you to get to know him/her! Take a look at their interest survey and see if you have anything in common!

**Name: **Harry Potter

**Zanpakuto: **Zanpakuto?

**Release Command: **Er…Expelliarmus?

**Gender: **Male

**Rank: **Um…Sixth Year, I guess

**I enjoy…: **Killing dark wizards

**Message to the Arrancar: **Just get me the heck out of here! Where am I? Did Hogwarts get renovated or something? And why the heck did somebody replace my wand with this metal stick? IS THAT MALFOY OVER THERE?

Make sure to stop by and say, "Hi!" to our new Numeros!

Author's Note

Gah, sorry for the short chapter. I liked this one, it was fun to write. Maybe I'll include some more from Barragan's autobiography, that was pretty interesting, right? Maybe you could buy it! No? Okay.

I just HAD to throw in that part about Harry Potter-Yet another fun piece of writing for me.

Also, guess what just happened? I just updated exactly 10 hours after my last update! Woo! Congrats to me! Next issue will include a "Get to Know the Journalists!" segment, a tour of Ulquiorra's room, and some advertisements. If you guys have anything in particular you want me to advertise for, even your own fanfictions, I'll be glad to.

Okay, since NOBODY guessed the TV show that the Cotton/Polyester debate was from, I'll give it away. Seinfeld. That show is AWESOME, watch it sometime!

Later,

Potterwatcher


	5. Volume 7, Issue 5, Journalists' Lives!

**The Hueco Mundo Gazette—June 1**

**Meet the Journalists!**

In this segment, readers will get to read an interest survey about each of our six wonderful journalists! First up, our lead journalist, the wonderful Gin Ichimaru!

**Gin Ichimaru**

Favorites

**Color: **Silver

**Movie: **Monty Python and the Holy Grail

**Book: **10,000 Fool-Proof Pranks

**Food: **Dried Persimmon

**Person: **Fred and George Weasley, Travis and Connor Stoll, and anyone else who has caused mischief in the world *cue evil face no. 5*

**Least Favorite Person: **Tosen (Such a fun-sucker!)

**Time of Day: **Night—best time to prank someone

**Store: **Any place with highly-priced breakable items *cue evil face no. 102*

**T.V. Show: **I'm actually more into watching the feed from the hidden cameras I put up around Las Noches than watching T.V.

Interests and Hobbies

**Interests: **Pranks, comedies, pranking people, April Fool's day, writing, Spongebob,

**Hobbies: **Writing for the HM Gazette, pranking people, causing chaos around Las Noches (especially with Tosen)

Short Autobiography and Note

First off, I'd like to say hello to all of the people out there that I know, and hello also to all the people who aren't good enough for me to know. My name is Gin Ichimaru, and my main hobby is pressing wildflowers. Occasionally, I like to put on women's clothing and hang around in bars, or maybe take a nice stroll around the park with some of my male friends. I also enjoy reading novels like Twilight, Pride and Prejudice, and other stuff that makes straight guys go "eew". I will accept friend requests from anyone on I-Destroy-Your-Face(Book), including anti-Semites! As you can probably tell from the contents of this note, I hardly ever take things seriously.

**Apache**

Favorites

**Color:** Red

**Movie: **I Robot

**Book: **The Shining by Steven King, or Stand By Me by Steven King

**Food: **Tacos

**Person: **Harribel-sama

**Least Favorite Person: **Guess. (Mila-Rose)

**Time of Day: **Evening

**Store: **Academy

**T.V. Show: **Anything that annoys the heck out of Mila-Rose

Interests and Hobbies

**Interests: **Action movies, fighting (with Mila-Rose), Harribel-sama

**Hobbies: **Serving Harribel-sama, fighting, annoying Mila-Rose, reading Steven King novels

Short Autobiography and Note

Hello, I'm Apache, Mila-Rose and Sun-Sun's awesome partner and Harribel-sama's awesome fraccion. Harribel-sama found me when I was an adjuchas and has cared for me like an older sister ever since. Unfortunately, she also found my annoying-as-heck subordinate, Mila-Rose. I want to kill her sometimes, but if I did that, then I couldn't annoy her anymore! Something most people don't know about me is that I really enjoy reading Steven King novels. My favorite one as of now is Stand By Me, but I'm really enjoying The Shining, I just haven't finished it yet. I only befriend people on IDYF(B) that I know.

**Mila-Rose**

Favorites

**Color: **Lime green

**Movie: **Any romantic comedy

**Book: **Not a big fan of books

**Food: **Celery

**Person: **Harribel-sama

**Least Favorite Person: **Apache (duh)

**Time of Day: **Morning

**Store: **Claire's

**T.V. Show: **Degrassi

Interests and Hobbies

**Interests: **Romantic comedies, Harribel-sama, bothering Apache

**Hobbies: **Serving Harribel-sama, annoying Apache, fighting, watching T.V.

Short Autobiography and Note

Okay, first off, anything Apache told you about me is NOT true! I'm sweet, kind, resourceful, beautiful, smart, considerate, and any hot guy's dream-come-true. Apache, meanwhile, is an ugly, idiotic, she-demon who cares nothing about other people and spits on puppies! She's a disgrace to Harribel-sama's honor! I will gladly befriend anyone on IDYF(B) EXCEPT Apache! Stalkers welcome, I don't care, as long as you're not a tomboyish, heterochromic jerk!

**Sun-Sun**

Favorites

**Color: **Purple

**Movie: **I do not watch movies

**Book: **A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens, Emily Dickenson poetry

**Food: **Balsamic vinaigrette salad

**Person: **Harribel-sama

**Least Favorite Person: **I do not hold grudges, though my allies can be quite irritating at some times

**Time of Day: **Any time that my two comrades aren't arguing is quite enjoyable

**Store: **Borders

**T.V. Show: **I do not watch television

Interests and Hobbies

**Interests: **Literature, Harribel-sama, purple clothing items

**Hobbies: **Reading, serving Harribel-sama, settling arguments between my two allies

Short Autobiography and Note

Greetings, all, my name is Sun-sun, and I am one of the supporting journalists at the Hueco Mundo Gazette. I also hold a position as Harribel-sama's fraccion, and if I may say so, her most sensible one at that. I am not particularly interested in writing (I prefer reading) but Ichimaru-sama told me that I was very good at editing and writing proper articles, so I accepted the job offer, hoping I could do some good in the world. I do not have an I-Destroy-Your-Face(Book) account, and am not planning to get one any time soon.

**Tesla Lindocruz**

Favorites

**Color: **Yellow

**Movie: **Die Hard (Nnoitra-sama's favorite, too)

**Book: **Lonesome Dove (Nnoitra-sama's favorite, too)

**Food: **Burgers (Nnoitra-sama's favorite, too)

**Person: **Nnoitra-sama

**Least Favorite Person: **Szayel-sama (he gets on Nnoitra-sama's nerves sometimes)

**Time of Day: **I am not sure of Nnoitra-sama's favorite time of day, so therefore do not have one

**Store: **Hot Topic (Nnoitra-sama's favorite, too)

**T.V. Show: **Sons of Anarchy (Nnoitra-sama's favorite, too)

Interests and Hobbies

**Interests: **Anything Nnoitra-sama likes

**Hobbies: **Serving Nnoitra-sama and playing video games

Short Autobiography and Note

Hello everyone. I'm Tesla, and I serve Nnoitra Jiruga. Before I start, I would like to thank Nnoitra-sama for being a kind, respectful master and for aiming for my stomach rather than my face when punching me. The only hobby I have that Nnoitra-sama does not care for is playing video games. I tried to stop after learning that Nnoitra-sama does not like them, but I'm afraid that Halo: Reach is just too addictive. I would like to inform all of the Arrancar that Halo: Reach is an extremely good but overpriced game, and that if you would like to own it, it is easier just to beat up some human child and take it from them rather than paying for it on your own.

**Charlotte Cuulhourne**

Favorites

**Color: **Pink

**Movie: **Valentine's Day

**Book: **Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

**Food: **Fettuccini Alfredo

**Person: **Myself, obviously

**Least Favorite Person: **Kristen Stewart (wannabe perfect like me)

**Time of Day: **Any time that I get to look in the mirror

**Store: **Victoria's Secret

**T.V. Show: **Gossip Girl

Interests and Hobbies

**Interests: **Make up, perfection, me

**Hobbies: **Me

Short Autobiography and Note

Hello, dear readers! It is I, your wonderful beautiful awesome sexy sexy glamorous holy hot young perfect nice sweet angelic foxy feisty dreamy not old wonderful beautiful awesome sexy sexy glamorous holy hot young perfect nice sweet angelic foxy feisty dreamy not old wonderful beautiful awesome sexy sexy glamorous holy hot young perfect nice sweet angelic foxy feisty dreamy not old Charlotte Cuulhourne! BEHOLD MY SEXINESS.

**Tour of Ulquiorra's Room!**

Dear Readers,

Unfortunately, this segment could not be completed due to the reporter covering this story being cero'd upon Ulquiorra finding that he was in his room. Our deepest apologies,

The Hueco Mundo Gazette crew

**Advertisements Segment**

Great news, readers! The Hueco Mundo Gazette is now including an ad section in their magazine to promote who-knows-what! We will be advertising anything from restaurant openings to other Arrancar's fanfictions! YES, this means YOU! We will do 5 advertisements each issue, so send in the summaries for your fanfictions soon!

**Ad #1—Bob's Taco Shack**

Attention Numeros! Bob's Taco Shack is now offering a discount on our value menu to all working Numeros! Just show us your tattoo and hollow hole as proof, and we'll give you any free meal that can be found on our value menu! The following is a list of our value meals. *Limit of one meal per Numeros.

-Starrk's Snoozy Snazzy Snack Platter—A platter of all of our best tacos in sample-size!

-Lord Barragan's Rotting Ravioli—A Barragan-style twist on an Italian favorite!

-Hot Harribel's Hot Tamales—Homemade tamales made out of fresh-caught Shinigami!

-Ulquiorra's Emotionless Enchiladas—Authentic cheese enchiladas in the shape of a broken heart!

-Nnoitra's Nastily Evil Nachos—Despite the name, these nachos are yum-yum-yummy!

-Grimmjow's Kitten-paw Tacos—Tasty tacos in a kitty-shaped shell!

-Zommari's Seasonal Pumpkin Tacos—A fall favorite, Zommari-sama's homemade pumpkin tacos!

-Szayel's Experiments—Yummy-gummy tacos in the shape of graduated cylinders and test tubes!

-Freaky Dude Aaroniero's Helmet-shaped Flautas—Crunchy delicious flautas in the shape of Aaroniero's very scary helmet!

-Yammy's Fat Pack—Get fat like Yammy by eating these extra-greasy enchiladas!

**Ad #2—"We Hate You, Kurosaki-Kun" Club**

Sexta Espada Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez has just opened a "We Hate You, Kurosaki-Kun," hatred club that is looking for members! This club will discuss and criticize Ichigo Kurosaki and his annoying onna! Join TODAY!

**Ad #3—**_**I'm Awesome**_**: the Barragan movie**

Lord Barragan is proud to announce that his hardly successful autobiography is being turned into a movie that will air at 10:30 on June 3, at the Espada Cinema Grill. The cost, not including refreshments, is $55 for one ticket. Funds from the movie will support the "Buy Lord Barragan a Maserati" campaign.

**Ad #4—Special Announcement**

Charlotte Cuulhourne has rented this ad to broadcast this important, life-changing message:

"I'm sexy."

**Ad #5—Tosen's Important Message**

Tosen-sama would like to announce a very important event that will be taking place this Friday that all Arrancar will be required to attend:

Defear njjenfr,

Ddaferhfia cakdjf k krnrfr skdfkerted fkjomq on qnem f4 ofer Juner. Allp Numeross and ober Aerrancs willh ehbfer ajrhgwner gjw. Plssdf attned.

Tosned

**Advertise your fanfiction, small business, or company today with the Hueco Mundo Gazette!**

Author's Note

I am SOOOOO sorry for not updating in a long time! But as a reward, I made this the longest chapter yet :D! I SLAVED over this! Joking.

What it said about the advertisements is true-if you have any fanfictions that you want me to advertise (or just an idea for something crazy to make an ad for) just tell me in your review! Make sure that you include a summary, and as long as it's not a lemon or very strong yaoi/yuri, I'll advertise for it!

Also, something I've been forgetting:

**I do not own Bleach, Harry Potter, Travis and Connor Stoll, or any of the movies/books/t.v. shows mentioned in this FF.**

...If I did, the good guys wouls actually die sometimes in Bleach ;)

Next week will include a side-story about Ulquiorra's past, a few movie reviews from Gin (you suggest which movies) and of course, our advertisements. NOTE: Only the first five advertisements will actually be put in the next issue, the rest will be put on the waiting list. Also, one ad per user in each issue. You can suggest more than one at a time, but they won't both be put in the same issue. Please leave suggestions! They help me :D

Later,

Potterwatcher


	6. Volume 7, Issue 6, Gin's Reviews!

**The Hueco Mundo Gazette, June 2**

**The Truth—Behind Ulquiorra's Past**

Ulquiorra Cifer grew up in London, England, with his despicable step father, Mr. Light Imagay. It later turned put that Imagay was really a very powerful gay Dark Wizard that Ulquiorra would have to defeat. After living with Mr. Gay for 11 years, young Ulquiorra, who was then called Harry Lawliet, found out that he was a wizard and went off to Wammy's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. There he learned the spells and detective skills that he would need to defeat the Dark Lord Imagay, who went under the alias "Voldy-Kira". The final stand took place at Wammy's, and a huge battle broke out. Ulquiorra and his friends Matt Weasley, Her-Mello-ne Granger, and Seamus River took on Voldy-Kira, four-on-one. But only Ulquiorra could kill Voldy-Kira. He told his friends to retreat, and took on his stepfather one-on-one. Just before Voldy-Kira could cast the fatal "Avada Ka-cero" on Harry/Ulquiorra, Ulquiorra brought out a nuclear war-head and set it off. Voldy was finally finished, but unfortunately, so was everyone else. Somehow Ulquiorra's smart mind had skipped over the fact that if you were within a 100-mile radius of an atomic bomb, you'd be dead. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of Cuatro Espada Ulquiorra Cifer.

Article written by our lovely new journalist, Lilynette Gingerback, **The Hueco Mundo Gazette**

**Movie Reviews—Gin-sama reviews Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Percy Jackson, and Twilight!**

**Review #1—Percy Jackson and the Olympians: the Lightning Thief**

The first sign that you've got a bad movie on your hands is when the directors cast a seventeen year old to play a twelve year old. Another bad omen is when you watch the trailers and see that the actors in the movie look absolutely nothing like how they were described in the book. I should have followed the signs and just passed this movie up, but it was getting such bad reviews that I decided I just had to see what all of the ruckus was about. So I quickly skimmed through the book, which I fairly enjoyed, then headed off to the theater to test the accuracy. Through all of the supposed-to-be-intense fight scenes, fails at humor, and cheesy acting, the only thing that was going through my mind was, "This movie SUCKS!" It bothered me so much that I actually exclaimed that aloud halfway through the movie, which earned me some glares from those who were actually enjoying it. There's really only one way to describe to you this movie trash: Imagine someone taking a book, ripping the title and characters from it, watering down and screwing up the plot, hiring some crummy actors to play the characters, and dubbing it "The most sensational movie of the year!" Which is a complete lie. No, scratch that—this movie DID give me some sensations—sensations of wanting to stab out my eardrums and eyes then use them to stone the director of this retarded movie.

Gin's rating: 1/10

Espada's opinions on the movie:

Starrk: So stupid, I couldn't even sleep through it.

Ulquiorra: Trash.

Yammy: Please kill me now.

**Review #2—Twilight**

Kill me. This movie sucked so bad, I felt like laughing maniacally when Bella almost died. Now, I hated Percy Jackson, but that's only because it wasn't accurate at all and seemed like they didn't even try. Thing is, the Twilight movie is actually quite accurate to the book, so that means that both the book and movie are suckish (which is not very hard to believe). I have to say, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson did a great job of playing two retarded teenagers who look as if they're constipated 24/7—though they're probably always like that. AND IF I SEE ONE MORE "TEAM JACOB" ITEM OF CLOTHING, I THINK I'M GOING TO SINGLE-HANDEDLY STRANGLE ALL OF THE TWILIGHT FANGIRLS OF THE WORLD. Sorry. Lost control there. To be plain and simple, this movie was even cheesier than the 1980's Batman and Robin (and for those who don't know, that's really saying something). The acting was terrible, and that "I know what you are" line made me roll my eyes and groan. I would, however, like to personally congratulate Mr. Pattinson on somehow managing to keep that bulbous, sparkly, over-sized head of his from effecting the gravitational pull of the Earth. You go, Robby! Keep that meteor of a noggin in check!

Gin's rating: 0/10

Espada's opinions on the movie:

Starrk: DIE, BELLA.

Ulquiorra: TRASH.

Yammy: KILL. ME.

**Review #3—Diary of a Wimpy Kid**

*Gasp*! Greg Heffley's starting Middle School! Dun dun dun! This was actually the best movie I've seen this week, which is really saying a lot since it's based off a children's comic book. So, Greg Heffley is starting Middle School. Whoop. Go Greg. He's trying to be the "cool kid" this year and rise to fame or something like that. But, of course, he can hardly do that with his best friend Rowley taking all the fame. Now, kids, the one lesson you need to learn from this movie is this: If you want to become famous, trying to become your school superstar is not the right path to take. Try becoming a mass murderer instead. And just a tip for you 'lil future Zodiacs: Cannibalism makes you even MORE famous! So start familiarizing yourself with the taste of human flesh, 'cuz that's going to be your path to success (well, at least fame)! Now that that's over, to sum it up, this movie was okay. Great movie for the little tykes, but make sure to remind them about what I said—do not follow Greg's example; follow Hannibal's. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. The critic has left the building.

Gin's rating: 5/10

Espada's opinions on the movie:

Starrk: Finally…not a suckish movie…

Ulquiorra: High-quality trash compared to Trash-light.

Yammy: I'm dead now.

**Advertisement Section**

**Ad #1—Arrancar's Fanfictions**

Arrancar No. #33, JaKiwi, has created their own fanfiction, titled "Fall into Existence"! JaKiwi's summary for this fanfiction is: "You asked a question once. The truth is, I didn't know the answer at the time. The truth is, I was wondering the exact same thing. Starrk and Lilynette. Drabble." Make sure to check out this awesome fanfiction!

**Ad #2—Barragan's AutoBio, price change!**

Lord Barragan is proud (and slightly disappointed) to announce that his stunning biography is yet to sell another copy, and is now 2x more expensive! So make sure you run by Arrancar Book Co. today and purchase a copy of this exhilarating novel for the reduced (maybe) price of $100 before they run out! All funds will support the "Buy Lord Barragan a Maserati" campaign.

**Ad #3—Music Video Auditions, this Friday!**

Octava Espada Szayel Aporro Grantz is creating a music video for Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" and Beyonce's "Single Ladies". If you are interested, check to see if you meet the requirements below!

1. You must have had training in the fields of music, acting, or dancing

2. Boys and girls may enter

3. You must be willing to donate 1 ½-2 hours of time towards the music videos each day

4. No Espada but ME can enter! No one shall steal my spotlight! MUAHAHAHA!

If you're interested, meet Szayel at the N.N.S.D.O.T.S.G.D.D. (National Numeros Society of Dancing and Other Things Straight Guys Don't Do) at 12:00 am this weekend! Refreshments and Gillians will be served!

**Remember, Arrancar, the Advertisement Section is still accepting requests for ads, but only for a limited time!**

Author's Note

All right, I hope you guys thoroghly enjoyed this chapter, because took a lot of work.

I apologize if I didn't use your movie request; It was either because I haven't seen the movie you requested or because I just couldn't think of a funny enough review for it :D

The ads requests are still accepted-I will advertise anything that is not a strong yaoi/yuri or lemon! (since this is rated K+)

I'm counting on YOU for some ideas for next chapter! I have a few, but I want to see what you come up with, AND I want to surprise you :)

Peace is nice,

and so is pie,

Potterwatcher-the girl who does not own Diary of a Wimpy Kid, Twilight (thankfully), Percy Jackson, or Bleach.


	7. Volume 7, Issue 7, Streakers in HM!

**The Hueco Mundo Gazette, June 3**

**Scandal! Streakers, Nudists, and People on Strike!**

Hello, Arrancar! Today we have some simply shocking news! It has recently been found out that the one behind the, erm, streaking incident going on here was Grimmjow. Every Tuesday night, he would run around Hueco Mundo completely naked yelling, "I'm a cute kitty! And kitties are NAKED! Yay!" Fortunately, the Hueco Mundo Police Department found Grimmjow and arrested him under the following charges:

-Disruptive behavior

-Unwanted display of nakedness

-Permanent mental scarring of the children and female Arrancar

-Stupidity

The time in prison for streaking is seven weeks. Since Grimmjow is an Espada, his sentence has been lowered to five weeks. The HMPD also found out that Grimmjow was paid to the above crimes by Szayel, who is now publically a nudist. He was not arrested, but his fraccion took it upon themselves to go on strike for no apparent reason. Thank you for joining us for this sort-of-emergency broadcast.

**Important Letter Announcement!**

Dear Arrancar,

Hello, it is I, your favorite (not really—you probably hate me, but I'm just following what Gin told me to write) Espada, Ulquiorra Cifer. For some strange reason, Aizen has chosen for me to write the annual newsletter for the month of June. I'm supposed to start out by writing some sort of "greeting" trash, but that just seems overrated and too cheerful to me. Basically, in your definition, I think it's "retarded". So now I'm supposed to say how I'm so glad to be writing this, which I'm really not, etc, etc. Oh, and I'd just like to make one thing clear: I AM NOT L LAWLIET. NOR AM I HARRY POTTER. I AM NOT RELATED TO, FRIENDS WITH, OR ACQUAINTENCES WITH L OR HARRY. Okay, now that that's settled, it's time for me to ask some stupid "Trivia Question of the Month!" Yay. As you can see, I'm practically exploding with this "excitement" thing that happens to trashy humans occasionally. And our stupid "trivia question" of the month is this: "What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" Now, anybody who's anybody would know that the actual air-speed velocity of any swallow is twenty-four miles per hour, but—oops, I apparently wasn't supposed to tell you that. Oh well. Hopefully you "retarded" Arrancar won't lose any sleep over the fact that I spoiled the answer to your petty little trivia question. Moving on. Now, I am supposed to get to the actual newsletter and tell you how things are going in Hueco Mundo. Things are fine. There. This infernal newsletter can finally come to a trashy close.

NOT sincerely yours,

Ulquiorra Cifer

Dear Arrancar,

I was just informed by Gin that the newsletter must be over five-hundred words. I am not writing this to obey him. I am writing it to say, "Ha, I shall not agree to your petty demands." So I now bring this letter to a close, for the SECOND time, and without making it five-hundred words. Ha.

I hate you.

Ulquiorra

Dear Arrancar,

Apparently, Gin did NOT appreciate the use of sarcasm and sass in my last letter, and demanded that I write another letter that is at least 150 words long. This time, I am going to obey Gin, and make a two-hundred word letter about how big of a scumbag Gin is. Here we go. Gin Ichimaru is an untalented, fat, ugly, ill-tempered, demanding, snotty, idiotic, crummy, moronic, slimy, "retarded", nasty, lying, scumbag of a Captain. I hate him so much that if Lord Aizen didn't actually LIKE that guy (which I didn't know was possible—I personally think that he's using Kyoka Suigetsu on us all to make us think that he cares for this trash) I would Cero him to no end. This guy—to use another stupid human word—"Sucks". There you have it, idiots. I hate this guy.

This was fun to write,

Oh, you know who I am already.

**Hueco Mundo Gazette Special Announcement!**

Unfortunately, Gin Ichimaru, our main journalist, got in a fight with Ulquiorra and is currently undergoing plastic surgery to make his face "sexy like before," in Gin's own words. For now, Tesla Lindocruz will be standing in as Lead Journalist. Please continue to pray for Gin's speedy recovery and even consult the Mullet of Truth in Aizen's throne room if you are overly distressed about this incident.

"**Text Talk" with Lilynette!**

Today, out new journalist, Lilynette Gingerback, is here to translate all of those confusing "text words" that human teenagers use these days. We now present "Text Talk" with Lilynette!

**LOL—**Lick Ostrich Lolypops

**BRB—**Barf Rabbit Buts

**L8R—**Lilynette Ate the Rabbit

**TTYL—**Talking Terminators Yip Lovingly

**WTF—**Why The Ferrets?

**FTW—**Free Tickling Wabbits

**TTFN—**Talking Terminators' Friendly Noodles

**IMO—**I Make Omelets

**ONYD—**Ostriches Now Yip Dangerously

**Join Lilynette next time for more "Teen Text" translations! *****These translations are 100% accurate and never wrong.**

**Advertisement Sections**

**Ad #1-Announcement**

Dear Arrancar,

Have you ever wanted to be an international celebrity? Well, that's never going to happen, because you're evil! But you CAN be a Hueco Mundo superstar! Just send in your resume including your name, Zanpakuto, release command, rank, gender, what you look like, what you enjoy, and a message to the other Arrancar! If you send it in, we'll publish it in the HMG and there's a 3% chance that you'll become famous! So, start sending, Arrancar!

**Ad #2—Arrancar's Fanfictions**

Arrancar No. #21, CrimsonBloodGoddess, has created their own fanfiction, titled "Everything Burns"! CrimsonBloodGoddess's summary for this fanfiction is: "Saya has regained, lost, and re-regained her memories over and over again. Will it ever end? And in the end will she return to her long lost love, or stay in the Human World?" Make sure to check out this awesome fanfiction!

**Ad #3—Espada Sub Needed!**

Due to both Szayel and Grimmjow committing crimes this weekend, Lord Aizen is in need of some new Espada. No previous experience required. Come by tomorrow and see if YOU can be a temporary Espada! WARNING: There is no guarantee that you will not suffer a horrible, graphic, painful death like Luppi.

**Ad #4-PUPPIEZ! YAYZ!**

Yammy has now sucessfully opened up a puppy shop where you can buy your own puppies. Please stop by, or Yammy will eat all of us. That will not be good.

Author's Note

Personally, I think this is the funniest one so far, but that's just me. I tried to make Ulquiorra in character, but I'm no sure I did a good job.

NOTICE: Announcement #1 is not lying! I need you guys to send in your "resumes" to me either in a PM or in your review. Make sure to include all of the things mentioned in the ad, and try to make it your funniest! It can be an OC or just a character from another series like I did with Harry :)

Please send in ads, ideas, and resumes! Next time will include an issue dedicated to Starrk for his birthday!

I do not own Bleach. If I did, Bleach would not be on two weeks hiatus.

Later,

Potterwatcher


	8. Volume 7, Issue 8, Happy Bday, Starrk!

**The Hueco Mundo Gazette, June 4**

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STARRK!**

Hello, Arrancar! We have great news for you! Today is the 1,000 birthday of Primera Espada Coyote Starrk! To celebrate this wonderful occasion, his companion, Lilynette Gingerback, has asked us to do a Starrk-themed bulletin for today! We are proud to announce that this issue is the first ever "Espada Birthday Bulletin"! Along with containing several birthday-themed segments, this issue will also contain some of our regular segments like "Gin's Reviews" and "Text Talk with Lilynette", making this issue super-long! Well, we won't stall you any longer—it's now time for STARRK'S SUPER BIRTHDAY BONANZA!

**Birthday Letters to Starrk**

To celebrate Starrk's birthday, Aizen-sama has asked each of the Espada to write a personalized birthday letter to Starrk! We now present all of the Espada's letters, along with a few letters from their Fraccion and Numeros.

**Barragan**

Dear Starrk,

Now, normally, I would congratulate you on such a wonderful occasion, but since you refused to buy my Autobiography, I think I'll make this more of a death threat rather than a birthday card. ANYONE WHO DOES NOT WISH TO DIE A PAINFUL AND DISGUISTING DEATH SHOULD PURCHASE A COPY OF MY AUTOBIOGRAPHY BY TOMORROW. Anyway, Cheers.

-Barragan

**Harribel**

Dear Rabba Starrk Rabba,

Unfortunately rabba, I rabba lost rabba a rabba dare rabba and rabba have rabba to rabba say rabba rabba after rabba every rabba word rabba. Anyways rabba, Happy rabba Birthday rabba. I rabba hope rabba this rabba will rabba be rabba the rabba best rabba birthday rabba ever rabba for rabba you rabba!

Sincerely Rabba,

Harribel

Rabba.

**Ulquiorra**

Dear Starrk,

First off, I would like to state that the only reason that I am writing this infernal letter is because Aizen-sama requested that I did. I do not care whatsoever about your so-called "birthday". But anyways, I might as well cut to the chase and congratulate you. I hope your birthday—to use one of Grimmjow's favorite words—sucks. There.

I hate you all.

Ulquiorra

**Nnoitra**

What the **** is this? Aizen never ****ing did anything for my ****ing birthday! I mean seriously, just because you're the ****ing Primera, you get a whole ****ing issue dedicated to you, but Aizen's ****ing Quinto Espada doesn't get **** on his ****ing birthday? This is ****! Screw you people!

~Nnoitra

**Grimmjow**

Dear Starrk,

Wow. You're old.

-Grimmjow

Dear Starrk,

Apparently, I actually had to say 'Happy Birthday' to you. Happy Birthday. I hate writing.

-Grimmjow

**Zommari**

Lieber Starrk,

Kann ich nicht glauben, du bist älter als ich! Ich dachte dass ich auch das älteste Espada werden. Ich habe jetzt gelernt, Deutsch zu sprechen. Yay. Pumpkins FTW. Mit freundlichen

Grüßen, Zommari

_Translation:_

_Dear Starrk,_

_I can't believe you're older than me! I thought for sure that I would be the oldest Espada. I have now learned to speak German. Yay. Pumpkins FTW._

_Sincerely,_

_Zommari_

**Szayel**

Starrk,

*Sigh*. I really couldn't care less about your birthday, but it seems that everyone, me included, is required to write this, which sucks very much. And what sucks even more is that you're probably not going to even read this issue because you'll be busy sleeping. Oh well, I guess I'm just wasting space now. But while I have this free space, I'd like to advertise something. I am looking for large quantities of human flesh for my latest experiment, and If anyone's barbequed some humans lately, please feel free to bring your leftovers by my office. All donations are appreciated, and internal organs are accepted. Thank you.

Szayel 3

**Aaroniero**

Dear Starrk,

YAYZ! IT'Z UR BIRTHDAYYEE! YAYZ! I IZ SO EXCITEED! YAYZ! BUY ME SOME PREZENTZ, OKAYZ? THANK YOUZ!

Aaroniero

**Yammy**

Dear Starrk,

On behalf of Yammy, we would like to apologize that he was unable to write a letter, given that he cannot read or write. Again, we apologize, and Happy Birthday,

The Hueco Mundo Gazette Staff

**Lilynette**

Starrk,

You are a big, lazy bum that can't think about anyone but himself. Heck, you can't think about ANYTHING because you're always sleeping! I wish you would play with me sometimes *sniff sniff*

PLAY WITH MEEE!

Lilynette

**Gin's Reviews—Tesla Reviews Batman and Robin (1988) and The Shining!**

Today on Gin's reviews, our new Lead Journalist, Tesla Lindocruz, will be reviewing some movies that might interest Starrk.

**Review #1—Batman and Robin**

Holy crud, somebody call the ambulance, because I'm about to FREAKING DIE from the cheesiness of this movie. I mean, it's got lame special effects, bad acting, and to top it all off, Robin is a mega jerkface! So there ya have it, folks. Unless you wish to have your eyes burned out of their sockets, I suggest that you do NOT watch this movie.

**Review #2—The Shining (insert horror-themed music here)**

HOLY CRUD! Man, this movie scared the heck out of me! *Shudder* NEVER let your young Arrancar watch this, okay parents? This movie is scary, just plain scary. It's basically about this family that moves into a haunted hotel where a bunch of people were murdered, and then their son starts talking to the ghosts. Then, of course, the dad goes crazy. And I mean CRAZY, like chase-after-his-family-screaming-trying-to-murder-them-all-with-an-axe crazy. I will have nightmares for days now…

"**Text Talk" with Lilynette!**

This issue's words are:

**OYID—**Orange Yams Introduced to Doughnuts

**NMU—**NAKED MAMMAL'S UNDERWEAR!

**BA—**BAAAAAA!

**BS—**Black Sheep

**SOB—**Shinigami Often Barf

**ASAP—**A Super Apple Pie!

**YAYYYY!**

_~You are invited~_

_To a fancy-schmancy Dinner Party celebrating Coyote Starrk's 1000__th__ birthday._

_When: Who the heck cares?_

_Where: Bob's Taco Shack_

_Wear: Fancy clothing_

_Please RSVP to Lord Aizen ASAP(And no, that does not mean "A Super Apple Pie")_

**Our New Arrancar!**

Just two days ago, Lord Aizen decided to make six new Arrancar with the Hogyoku! Today, they'll introduce themselves using the "New Arrancar Welcome Forms"! Below are the completed forms of our new Arrancar.

**Name: **Hillary Clinton

**Zanpakuto: **Umm…?

**Release Command: **I'll sue you if you touch me.

**Rank: **Democrat and Awesome Politician!

**Gender: **Female

**I Enjoy: **Politics, torturing people, playing pinochle

**Message to Arrancar: **Where is this so-called "Grimmjow" who bashed my looks? I shall DESTROY him once I find him, using one of my life-sized signed posters of me to BEAT HIM TO DEATH!

**-0-**

**Name: **Bei Jing

**Zanpakuto: **Hoshi

**Release Command: **Brighten the Night Sky, Hoshi

**Rank: **169

**Gender: **Female

**I Enjoy: **Fighting, laughing, and bothering people. Basically pranks

**Message to Arrancar: **Hi, I'm Bei Jing it isn't my real name but it's the name I'm going with so there, oh if you accept me as a Hueco Mundo superstar I won't care if I die a most painful death but I am sure as heck coming back to haunt ya'll in your sleep!

**-0-**

**Name: **Achmed the Dead Terrorist

**Zanpakuto: **Knock Knock. Who's there? It's me, I kill you.

**Release Command: **SILENCE! I KILL YOU!

**Rank: **I am a terrorist, a terrifying terrorist.

**Gender: **Male

**I Enjoy: **Bombing National Monuments, murdering people, Shakespeare

**Message to Arrancar: **I KILL YOU ALL!

**-0-**

**Name: **Sodena

**Zanpakuto: **Haimaru

**Release Command: **Soar, Haimaru

**Rank: **19

**Gender: **Female

**I Enjoy: **Eating sunflower seeds, watching soccer, running over things in my Maserati (stay away from me, Barragan)

**Message to Arrancar: **Hi. If I were you, I'd watch out for me. I'm bad to the bone. I kill Shinigami.

**-0-**

**Name: **Imagay Hog

**Zanpakuto: **Gory Boary

**Release Command: **Snort Dirt, Gory Boary!

**Rank: **1,000,000

**Gender: **Male

**I Enjoy: **Eating, sleeping, eating some more, snorting

**Message to Arrancar: **Hi, I'm Imagay. I like pigs.

**-0-**

**Name: **Hades (MUAHAHAHA!)

**Zanpakuto: **Lucifer

**Release Command: **Give them Hell, Lucifer (MUAHAHAHA!)

**Rank: **17

**Gender: **Male

**I Enjoy: **Romance novels, feeding baby cows, Sephora, tea parties, Lady Gaga

**Message to Arrancar:** MUAHAHAHA! Hello, mortals! I am Hades, ruler of Hell, Lord of the Dead, King of the Underworld, and I like to volunteer on Saturdays to feed lost kittens.

**Advertisement Section**

**Ad #1—Arrancar's Fanfiction**

Arrancar No. #32, JaKiwi, has created their own fanfiction, titled "The Mirror, Blue Night"! JaKiwi's summary for this fanfiction is: "And the whispers of fear, the chill of the spine, will steal away too, with the flick of the light. The minute you do it, with fingers so blind, you remove every bit, of the blue from your mind. Ichigo, Dark Ichigo, Kon. One-shot." Make sure to check out this awesome fanfiction!

**Ad #2—Espada Game Nights**

Aizen-sama is proud to announce that every Saturday will be "Espada Game Night"! Here, the Espada will be playing various human games like Scrabble, Truth or Dare, and Bunco! All Arrancar are free to come and watch, but only Espada can play.

**Ad #3—Human Flesh and Test Subjects Needed!**

Octava Espada Szayel Aporro Grantz is in need of the following supplies:

-Large quantities of Human Flesh

-Live test subjects

-Deceased test subjects

-Any spare internal organs/body parts

All donations are much appreciated and will benefit Szayel greatly. Thank you for your contributions.

Author's Note

I found this chapter easy to write but boring. Maybe it's just the absence of Gin ;)

Anyways, I was wondering what you guys thought about the rating. Should I change it to T? Please leave feedback and tell me your opinions.

And the "Espada Game Nights" thing is actually one of my fanfictions that I wanted to promote. It's a humor fanfiction, as always with me :)

Resumes…they might still be accepted. Send them in anyways. Fanfictions and ideas—definitely still going, and I'm going to need those ideas because I'm fresh out. I was thinking about doing interviews with the Espada about their fears and/or a session of Truth or Dare with them next time, the only problem is that I'm already doing T/D in another Fanfiction. So yes, please send in ideas

I don't own Hillary Clinton, Bleach, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, or Hades.

Later and hope you liked it,

-Potterwatcher


	9. Volume 7, Issue 9, END OF HMG! Thanks!

**The Hueco Mundo Gazette, June 4**

**Final Newsletter! HMG Goes on Hiatus!**

Dear Fabulous Readers,

The Hueco Mundo Gazette crew is sad to admit that this will be the last issue of Volume 7, and that The HMG will be going on a four day/one-week Hiatus! After one or so weeks, The HMG will return in a new "Newscast," as humans call it, format, called "Hueco Mundo Eyewitness News 5." Thank you for all of your support, readers! This issue will be dedicated to all of you wonderful, faithful Arrancar readers, and will include a thank-you letter, special acknowledgements from Aizen-sama, and the return of our beloved GIN ICHIMARU!

**Acknowledgements**

The HMG crew would like to thank the following:

Bob's Taco Shack, excellent caterers

Stretch E. Face, the plastic surgeon who helped Gin out

Britney Spears, who provided some good tunes for us when times were hard

Coyote Starrk, who mercifully kept Ulquiorra from annihilating Gin

Grimmjow, who gave us some interesting things to report on

John Doe, publisher

And most of all, YOU wonderful Arrancar who have stuck with us through this volume! Thanks, dudes!

**A Word from Aizen**

Hello, Arrancar who are weaker than Me (I capitalized 'Me' since I'm awesome),

I suppose I'm glad that you've supported this magazine thingy since it promotes my face and gives me money. Yeah, I'm a little thankful. Even thought this volume is coming to a close, keep in mind that you can still send your hard-earned money into me so I may spend it on pornography magazines! I accept twenties, fifties, hundreds, and checks of larger amounts, but I do NOT give change. In fact, I should make this a law! All Arrancar must send in a check of twenty dollars or more every week! MUAHAHAHA! I love ruling over people!

Cheers,

Aizen-sama-who-is-greater-than-YOU-and-has-a-mullet.

**Preview of "Hueco Mundo Eyewitness News 5"**

Three…two…one…action!

Hi, ladies, gentlemen, and less-than-straight guys, this is Gin Ichimaru from Hueco Mundo Eyewitness News 5, here reporting to YOU the juiciest news! Coming up this session:

-Taxidermists still rage in a fuming battle against former Espada Neliel Tu Oderschwank, claiming that her outfit is made out of the rare "Snuffleupagis fur". Who will win this frightening debate, and will the case go to court?

-Scandal! Espada Tia Harribel found guilty of false advertising!

-In a tragic game of "Ultimate Cero," Cuatro Espada Ulquiorra Cifer managed to "accidentally" blow Grimmjow's arm off again!

-Bob's Taco Shack finally admits to serving live Shinigami on Tuesday nights to local drug dealers!

All of this juicy news will follow after a short commercial break!

"**It's the Final Countdown" *Cue Synthesizer* Bye, Readers!**

Thank you once again, readers, for supporting the Hueco Mundo Gazette!

Sincerely,

Gin Ichimaru, Newly-recovered Lead Journalist

Tesla Lindocruz, Supporting Journalist

Apache, Sun-Sun, and Mila Rose, Supporting Journalists

Charlotte Cuulhourne, Supporting Journalist

Lilynette Gingerback, Supporting Journalist

Author's Note

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Hueco Mundo Gazette is finally coming to a close. Thank you all for your wonderful reviews, constructive criticism, and polite way of informing me of problems with me story! I'll miss writing this!

Don't worry, all of your favorite Arrancar will return in about five days in a new, newscast-like format. I hope you enjoy it :)

Please feel free to use your last review to tell me about what you thought about the entire story, and please share this with your BFFs, archenemies, and neighborhood hobos!

Also, a note about next time: I've been getting a few complaints that I was not including the Espada in my stories enough, and I will definitely do that next time!

Now, finally, a wrap up with all of my disclaimers:

Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo

Achmed the Dead Terrorist belongs to Jeff Dunham

Percy Jackson belongs to Rick Riordan

Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling

Death Note belongs to Tsugumi Ohba

I think that's all...phew! Well, it's been a pleasure writing for you :)

In five days,

Potterwatcher


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